My basket has a hole.

Although it might not be apparent, due to my lack of updates in the past three weeks, I did make it safely back from my cruise. The cruise was a great experience, although it did end on a very sad and scary note which will, for now, remain a story for another time.

Since I’ve returned, I have tried to write so many blog posts. Each one felt hollow and dissonant. My heart just wasn’t in it.

To be truthful, my heart just isn’t into a lot of things these days. The beginning of fall has been marked with malaise that I cannot seem to free myself from. Every day I am feeling more and more weary and weighed down with the world. I have begun questioning every decision I’ve made; from my career choice to the color of my hair.

I’m stuck in a rut.

The problem with being mired in second-thoughts is that you don’t noticed how far you’ve gone until you are just too far gone, and I’m a goner.

Luckily, I’ve heard that admitting you have a problem is the first step to conquering it.

My name is Brandi, and I’m trapped in a spiral of self-doubt and lost motivation.

This blog has been something I’ve been thinking about for a while. I waft back and forth in wanting to do more with it and then wanting to abolish it. So many times I’ve hovered my mouse over the delete button, ready to  leave it all behind and pick up and begin anew somewhere else.

This blog has, in one form or another, been around for the last five years of my life. Without going into too much personal detail, you should know that I started this at a very low point in my life. It was a time when everything was changing for me. Many of the changes were welcome and exciting, but at least one of these changes were heartbreaking and hard to get through.

I suppose if I am honest with myself (and with you) you will know that I never really got over it. Scar tissue has grown around the wound, but it’s still there. I’ve had to accept that it may always be.

So while this blog has been a constant source of growth and inspiration and the freedom to make my new path in life, it has always held the memory of the thing I have never really gotten over. I cannot really be who I am without acknowledging it, and I cannot really be who I want to be without moving past it.

And now you know my deepest secret. I’m human, not machine.

I’ve hesitated on my instincts to be hasty and delete the blog. I’m still mulling over what I want to do with it. I want it to be more personal while somehow being less about me.

It’s obvious I’m conflicted.

Let me assure you, lest you think I’m having some sort of breakdown, that I am fine and happy. Every day I marvel at the joy and amazement of life and the wonderful people that I share my heart with. I am exploring my passions in new and exciting ways and I am challenging myself creatively, intellectually, and physically each and every day.

I’m simply trying to find a way to finally let the past and present create harmony.

While I am not vain enough to believe there are legions of people who have waited with baited breath in anticipation of my newest blog post, there has been the odd person or two who has commented on the lack of updates lately.If you have not noticed or worried about it, you have just proven that your priorities are exactly as they should be. Could you possibly send me a tip or two?

For now:

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