2011 (mostly) sucked.
There, I said it. I don’t need comforting or any help with finding the bright side of things, because for the most part 2011 was a big ol’ drain on my emotions. Lot’s of personal upheavals combined with friends and family members dying, medical diagnoses, and then the panic attacks.
My god, the panic attacks.
And if there was one thing that I will remember about this year, it will be the year of the panic attacks. At the height of the insanity I was having 6 or more panic attacks a day. I spent a good deal of time shut in the house, terrified of having a panic attack, which in turn caused another panic attack. I finally went to the doctor in a flood of tears at the moment I was so exhausted from having attack after attack that my nerves and emotions were shot.The thought of living another day like that was too sad a thing to bear. We discussed my medication options, but I ended up working on my diet and exercise levels instead of treating it with medicine. Frankly I was worried at the possibility of being on anti-anxiety medication for the rest of my life and I wanted to find a way to manage it more naturally.
So I lit candles (even though I can’t smell them) and did yoga and took long walks and listened to music. In the beginning I did all those things while the panic attacks raged on. Slowly, they became fewer and less intense. The panic attacks turned into anxiety attacks, and became more and more manageable. Suddenly I was back in control.
I haven’t had an anxiety attack in months now.
So what does this have to do with anything? I think, that for me, these panic attacks were symptomatic of my worldview this year. I was confused, scared, and spent the time totally focusing on myself each and every day. Self-immersion is not a bad thing, and the truth is I did a million wonderful things this year by focusing on my own wants and needs. However, the truth is that I never really feel good when I spend too much time in my own head a preoccupied with my surroundings.
I need to step outside of myself to be able to step into my life.
Make sense?
In 2012 I want to work on being a more caring an compassionate person. I want to volunteer more of my time and energies to causes I really care about. I want to spend less time consuming and more time producing. I want to sing and dance and listen to others sing and watch others dance.
I want to read and write and let both help guide my choices with the others. I want to spend time with others who are doing the same and hoe that their words will help inspire me. I want to give up the fears about my writing and the expectations I fear that will come from it.
I want to be more spiritual. I want to spread love and light and happiness, even if, for me, those things are not found between the pages of the bible. I want to do good deeds and share compassion for my fellow man and open my heart to the world.
I want to be more intentional. I want to be kind.
I want to move and bend and show myself that my body is capable of doing more than I ever thought possible. I want to push and challenge my body to always go one step further than I ever thought possible. I want to find a way to measure this that doesn’t always leave me feeling inadequate.
I want to let go of sadness and anger and replace it with love and peace.
I want to understand that I will not be perfect, but I will be wonderful.
And so there it is, my rambling list for 2012. I may alter it as the year presses on, but it’s a start.
I adore fresh starts.
(Let it be known that 2011 was filled with a ton of amazing things too, but for the most part, 2011 was a year of personal struggle for me. I don’t wish it never happened though, because life is what it is, regardless.)
