What I’ve noticed about life is that things don’t always revolve around how they actually are, but how we perceive them to be. The same set of circumstances can reveal many different truths, with all being a somewhat accurate representation of the facts at hand. True and false. Black and white. Up and down. Contradictions can still be true…even if they aren’t necessarily true for you.
The Rashomon effect.
The most perplexing thing about being diagnosed with depression has been my innate need to make everyone else feel ok about how I’m feeling.
“I’m clinically depressed, but I’m ok today.”
“I feel that life is pretty bleak and gray and pointless, but I’m not about to slit my wrists or anything.”
In talking about my feelings, I somehow invert my position and become the one offering the comfort, trying to smooth the cracked and jagged edges. Perhaps it’s partly because exposing the dark sides to your soul is a dangerous game. We are all looking to present our most polished face to the world. Weakness will only serve to show others the best way to bring you down. The next logical conclusion is that I’m trying to convince myself.
Both answers could be subjectively true. Both problems tackled in the only way I know how.
For the past two weeks, I’ve hidden myself away in my apartment. I told myself it was a break to clear my head and start feeling better. The solace, while cleansing, also has begun to impede me. The once-comforting walls start to resemble prison cells.
“Its all I’ll do ’cause I’m not free
A fugitive too dull to flee
I’m amorous but out of reach
A still life drawing of a peach”
Today was a lovely day. Within that objective truth, today had some dismal moments. I paced the floor of my apartment for the better part of an hour, talking quickly as ideas floated around in my brain, but never quite landed in the right spots. My hands shook so hard that I didn’t dare try and hold anything.
I sat and needed to cry, but the tears just wouldn’t come.
In the grand scheme of life and the earth, I’ll see today as a lovely day. Within that lovely day there were dark shadows and complex feelings and excruciating pain.
And really, isn’t that just a microcosm for life on the whole?
One day, many many moons ago, I fretted and worried about what was to become of me. My best friend told me that of all of us, I would be the one who was ok.
I’m still clinging to that for dear life.