Me: *dancing*

Boyfriend: You look like you popped your neck out of joint and maybe are having convulsions.

Me: No, I’m just dancing.

Awkward Silence Abounds

As much as I’m a true city girl, nothing makes me feel quite like spending some time in the country. I adore wide open spaces, barns, climbing on bales of hay, and hugging horses and cows.

Time in the country reminds me of all the summers I spent on my grandparents farm. Those summers were nothing short of magical to me.

I’ll never be the type to live in the country, I just love the bright lights of the city far too much for that, but I’ll always find little snippets of time to spend in the country.

2011 (mostly) sucked.

There, I said it. I don’t need comforting or any help with finding the bright side of things, because for the most part 2011 was a big ol’ drain on my emotions. Lot’s of personal upheavals combined with friends and family members dying, medical diagnoses, and then the panic attacks.

My god, the panic attacks.

And if there was one thing that I will remember about this year, it will be the year of the panic attacks. At the height of the insanity I was having 6 or more panic attacks a day. I spent a good deal of time shut in the house, terrified of having a panic attack, which in turn caused another panic attack. I finally went to the doctor in a flood of tears at the moment I was so exhausted from having attack after attack that my nerves and emotions were shot.The thought of living another day like that was too sad a thing to bear.  We discussed my medication options, but I ended up working on my diet and exercise levels instead of treating it with medicine. Frankly I was worried at the possibility of being on anti-anxiety medication for the rest of my life and I wanted to find a way to manage it more naturally.

So I lit candles (even though I can’t smell them) and did yoga and took long walks and listened to music. In the beginning I did all those things while the panic attacks raged on. Slowly, they became fewer and less intense. The panic attacks turned into anxiety attacks, and became more and more manageable. Suddenly I was back in control.

I haven’t had an anxiety attack in months now.

So what does this have to do with anything? I think, that for me, these panic attacks were symptomatic of my worldview this year. I was confused, scared, and spent the time totally focusing on myself each and every day. Self-immersion is not a bad thing, and the truth is I did a million wonderful things this year by focusing on my own wants and needs. However, the truth is that I never really feel good when I spend too much time in my own head a preoccupied with my surroundings.

I need to step outside of myself to be able to step into my life.

Make sense?

In 2012 I want to work on being a more caring an compassionate person. I want to volunteer more of my time and energies to causes I really care about. I want to spend less time consuming and more time producing. I want to sing and dance and listen to others sing and watch others dance.

I want to read and write and let both help guide my choices with the others. I want to spend time with others who are doing the same and hoe that their words will help inspire me. I want to give up the fears about my writing and the expectations I fear that will come from it.

I want to be more spiritual. I want to spread love and light and happiness, even if, for me, those things are not found between the pages of the bible. I want to do good deeds and share compassion for my fellow man and open my heart to the world.

I want to be more intentional. I want to be kind.

I want to move and bend and show myself that my body is capable of doing more than I ever thought possible. I want to push and challenge my body to always go one step further than I ever thought possible. I want to find a way to measure this that doesn’t always leave me feeling inadequate.

I want to let go of sadness and anger and replace it with love and peace.

I want to understand that I will not be perfect, but I will be wonderful.

And so there it is, my rambling list for 2012. I may alter it as the year presses on, but it’s a start.

I adore fresh starts.

(Let it be known that 2011 was filled with a ton of amazing things too, but for the most part, 2011 was a year of personal struggle for me. I don’t wish it never happened though, because life is what it is, regardless.)

First off, my birthday was incredible. We had a gathering at one of my favorite neighborhood bars, Cecil’s. Everyone came and it was so much fun. I couldn’t have asked for a better start to my next year of life.

I’m working on my new blog little by little and really getting excited about where I’m going with it. The new blog will fall more into a lifestyle blog. I want to share my thoughts and pictures and pretty crafts, recipes, and outfits that I love. I’m getting really excited about it!

Also, I have some other big news that I’ll save for another time. It’s exciting and wonderful and I can’t wait to share!

First world problems, eh?

None of this has anything to do with anything other than the fact that I’m apparently trying to discredit myself. Check and mate.

It’s been three weeks since my last post here, and I kept waiting to feel differently about this blog, but the truth is that I don’t. Plus, I’ve grown weary of the preamble to every post being a lengthy diatribe as to why I can’t muster up the lady balls to actually come out and post more. This blog holds old constraints that give me mental block.

I’m changing up my room, figuratively. I’ve signed up for a new blog and I’m in the process of slowly converting that over to my new little home on the web. Hopefully it will be fully functional by the end of the year. I’ll post on here so the three people that read this know where to go.

In the meantime, you can find me on Twitter or Instagram or Pinterest. I’m all over that shit. (Sorry for all the cursing in this post, but it just felt right.)

Happy Halloween!!

Although it might not be apparent, due to my lack of updates in the past three weeks, I did make it safely back from my cruise. The cruise was a great experience, although it did end on a very sad and scary note which will, for now, remain a story for another time.

Since I’ve returned, I have tried to write so many blog posts. Each one felt hollow and dissonant. My heart just wasn’t in it.

To be truthful, my heart just isn’t into a lot of things these days. The beginning of fall has been marked with malaise that I cannot seem to free myself from. Every day I am feeling more and more weary and weighed down with the world. I have begun questioning every decision I’ve made; from my career choice to the color of my hair.

I’m stuck in a rut.

The problem with being mired in second-thoughts is that you don’t noticed how far you’ve gone until you are just too far gone, and I’m a goner.

Luckily, I’ve heard that admitting you have a problem is the first step to conquering it.

My name is Brandi, and I’m trapped in a spiral of self-doubt and lost motivation.

This blog has been something I’ve been thinking about for a while. I waft back and forth in wanting to do more with it and then wanting to abolish it. So many times I’ve hovered my mouse over the delete button, ready to  leave it all behind and pick up and begin anew somewhere else.

This blog has, in one form or another, been around for the last five years of my life. Without going into too much personal detail, you should know that I started this at a very low point in my life. It was a time when everything was changing for me. Many of the changes were welcome and exciting, but at least one of these changes were heartbreaking and hard to get through.

I suppose if I am honest with myself (and with you) you will know that I never really got over it. Scar tissue has grown around the wound, but it’s still there. I’ve had to accept that it may always be.

So while this blog has been a constant source of growth and inspiration and the freedom to make my new path in life, it has always held the memory of the thing I have never really gotten over. I cannot really be who I am without acknowledging it, and I cannot really be who I want to be without moving past it.

And now you know my deepest secret. I’m human, not machine.

I’ve hesitated on my instincts to be hasty and delete the blog. I’m still mulling over what I want to do with it. I want it to be more personal while somehow being less about me.

It’s obvious I’m conflicted.

Let me assure you, lest you think I’m having some sort of breakdown, that I am fine and happy. Every day I marvel at the joy and amazement of life and the wonderful people that I share my heart with. I am exploring my passions in new and exciting ways and I am challenging myself creatively, intellectually, and physically each and every day.

I’m simply trying to find a way to finally let the past and present create harmony.

While I am not vain enough to believe there are legions of people who have waited with baited breath in anticipation of my newest blog post, there has been the odd person or two who has commented on the lack of updates lately.If you have not noticed or worried about it, you have just proven that your priorities are exactly as they should be. Could you possibly send me a tip or two?

For now:

First thing in the morning I’m off to the Caribbean!

One week of no phone calls, texts,  emails, Twitter, Facebook. It’s going to be amazing!

Have a lovely week!

XoXo

Today I did a little last-minute shopping for my trip. It’s funny how I consider 6 days ahead “last-minute”. I meant to go buy some more shorts and stuff last weekend, but I got busy being lazy. Lucky, lucky me for waiting. All the shorts at Target were on clearance as they move in their fall line. I got three pairs of shorts and a skirt for $19.

Everyone is posting memories of where they were the day of the attacks on September 11th. That was a different lifetime ago for me, but I wanted to share a couple of memories anyway.

On September 11th, I had woken up early and was watching the attacks on tv. My ex-mother in law called me crying and stating how lucky we were not to be there.

You see, my ex and I were supposed to have moved to NYC the month before. I had even gone up and rented us an apartment. He was going to be going to an art school for a graduate program and I was going to live in the city I loved so much. It didn’t work out though, and we ended up backing out. Everything seemed so hard for the move and nothing worked out the way we wanted it to. Finally, we threw up our hands in resignation. There was something that would not let us go to NYC.

This picture of me in front of the towers was taken in early December of 2000. Almost exactly 10 months later, these towers would cease to exist. It was silly at the time, but I really wanted a picture with the World Trade Center in the background.

And yet, this day brings about another anniversary of sorts. On September 11th, 2002, in a dusty garage full of musical equipment, I met a fella.

<3

Maybe that was my reason for not making the move out to NYC after all.

The End.

Hopefully this will be a most lovely and productive semester.

It’s a labor of love, I suppose, but I’ll miss the scads of free time and evenings that are my own to do as I please.

Luckily, I’ll have the memories of this weekend to take me through the long nights of studying.

Know what my favorite parts of the weekend were?

*Midnight swimming
*Wilford Brimley helping bring people together. (He still scares me, though).
*Shenanigans at the Creek with friends.
*Skype chats with friends on mini-vacations
*Bread pudding to die for
*Mustachioed men selling old-timey snake oil
*Cinema Dates

*Peep Show marathons
*Taking photos of everything I see…

Now I’m off to get ready for work and my looong day ahead tomorrow.